Do Not Poke a Snapping Turtle

As it turns out, turtles are not very slow. So, screw you cartoons! Tortoises may be another matter, but turtles, turtles will take your hand off and leave you waving a blood-spurting stump around until a Norwegian vampire comes to finish you off. Hmmm, might be watching too much True Blood.

Okay but seriously, please heed my warning, do NOT mess with these bastards. This picture is preceeded by a rather weird night. I decided I wanted to buy a videogame

around midnight (Transformers: War for Cybertron -awesomeness), so as I was heading out the neighborhood I see this giant black german shepherd in the median. He has tags so I try to call out and he bolts. I follow him to the back of the neighborhood where I suddenly enter Mario Kart world and barely dodge a giant f*%#ing snapping turtle!

Now my stupid bleeding heart (you stay back Northman!) prevented me from taking off without pushing this beauty to the side of the road where he'd be safe, so I grabbed a coat hanger that happened to be in my car and tried to shoo him along. Who knew, you can't shoo giant snapping turtles. I tried to hook his side and flip him so I could maybe shuffleboard him to the side, but surprise! No go.

Thus, I began to tap his shell to try and direct his movement, and this is where the fun begins. I accidentally tapped the gooey portion that was his head and before I know what the hell has

happened Blastoise here has half of my coat hanger in his mouth.

So, um yes, I left him in the middle of the road.